Where Does It Hurt?
Recently I opened a text message and glanced at what was written there. The words were few and, I’m guessing, well intentioned, but they opened a sadness that has stayed within me for some time. It revealed a pain that I thought was no longer there. Make it stand out The words pointed to a situation I had no control over and I have rested in the assurance that God was in the details. But those details were unique to his work in my life and of those I love.
I know this all sounds mysterious, but isn’t that the way of grief? Doesn’t it sneak in quietly and just when you think it’s been dealt with, there it is with a powerful surge of remembrance and pain?
Now I could push down that memory because I’m a busy person and I could move right into the next thing. But today, I want to be true to my little-girl heart and turn to face the sting and not ignore it. I’m pretty good at pushing away uncomfortable things most of the time. But today I want to face the message, well-intentioned or not, and ask myself why it hurt. Was it the text or was it the memory? Am I offended or grieving a loss? What am I to do with the feelings that seem to be lingering, eyeing me carefully to see how I’ll react?
If those feelings seem to have their eyes on me, I want to turn and look them right back, eye to eye, and welcome them to state their case and to not be afraid of them.
In my work with women, I am not one who pushes to get to the end of the healing process as quickly as possible. Forgiveness is a huge part of grieving but forgiveness out of “shoulds” or “the need to control” only cover the offense even further. Instead, I encourage women to uncover the pain first. Attempt to understand it and let it tell its story. What was the offense? What was the loss? What conclusions about myself, God, and others have I reached? Were these conclusions true or were they seen and stored as little wounded-girl memories? I long to get to the end of it, but all this takes time and patience, and a ton of understanding.
I ask you: What hurts in you? Can you name it? Is it grief? Is it anger? Is it sadness? Is it regret?
Wherever the pain resides in you, there is a way through it. Take hope and hold it close.
Here are a few of my thoughts for you:
If your grief is unprocessed and causing consequences in your behavior that feel beyond your control, I suggest you find someone qualified, a good therapist, to help you untangle it. I believe that it is important to get the help you need and there are many well-trained people who know how to help others sort out their heartbreak. The Holy Spirit can work with and inside a counselor and within you to help you find what you need. This grief work is slow but so worth the time and money. Otherwise, the behaviors, the fears, the need to control, and the deep ache may remain and show up in harmful ways.
Along with that, I encourage you to invite our Wonderful Counselor to process with you. Here is one way to do that:
Sit quietly with Isaiah 61 and carefully picture Jesus saying these words:
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’S favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
Close your eyes and in your mind’s eye, get a picture of how much God loves you. Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted you. The Holy Spirit is there comforting you as you trust him.
Picture Jesus right there with you. He is looking at you with eyes of deep love. Let him hold you. Stop and feel what it feels like to be held.
Ask Him to show you what He wants you to know/feel/understand about this particular loss/offense you are grieving. Name the pain and tell him everything. Tell him the fears that are surrounding you and the pain you feel and the sadness that is about to drown you. Psalm 34 tells us that he is close to the brokenhearted. Can you sense him?
Stay with this. He is talking to God about you. (Romans 8: 26-27 tells us that the Holy Spirit is interceding on our behalf) And he is working his way into your heart, softening it, kneading it oh so carefully so you will be able to hear him. This can be painful, but let it happen.
Wait. Listen. Thank Him for His love.
Do this again tomorrow. Come again the next day. Tell him everything again. And dare to let the Holy Spirit dance around your broken heart. Let him speak - maybe through scripture, or by giving you a single word, or maybe through your sobs.
If you fall asleep, sleep until you wake up. Smile at Jesus as he smiles at the napping you.
Get up and attend to your day. Your grief is in the hands of your loving God. Your grief has brought you into the presence of the One who knows you as beautiful. He came to bind up the brokenhearted. Today was a part of the binding.
Keep going back. Trust in the mysterious work of God to do in you what you cannot do in yourself. He is certainly able.
Then, wait for the LORD. Take heart. Wait for him. Trust his work in your life. (Psalm 27:14)
He is near.
The text I received and the situation it addressed were hurtful. Micha Boyett shed some light for me recently when she wrote: “To love oneself well means not to diminish one’s own pain, whether it is minor or major, but to cultivate a clear-eyed vision for our pain, so we can begin to live into wholehearted healing.”
Not brokenhearted living. Instead, wholehearted healing. I love that.
In his tenderness, Jesus says that His yoke is easy (also translated as kindness) and this makes the burden light. I share that yoke of kindness with him and am thankful that he bears the load with me. I find it to be a relief that is healing my heart. I pray for his healing over you today.