Meeting Yesterday’s Deane
A few weeks ago one of our adult kids had some questions that required me to open a long-closed and mostly forgotten journal. Pulling it off the top shelf of the tall antique bookcase, I didn’t fully understand the slight hesitation I felt for the project. Eager to please though, I gingerly opened the small blue cover and started scanning the pages for the sought-after information.
Relieved, I found bits of what I was searching for knowing that there were many other journals besides this one for even more. I was delighted with what I uncovered there and eagerly recorded each entry and sent them off. But, at the edges of my intense searching, I found something else appearing… actually I found someone else becoming clearer the more I read. I know that when she wrote those words, back in 1988, she planned to just be the narrator, taking note of her life. She had things she needed to say. She knew the power of the written word and the relief she often found as her pen scribbled across the empty page.
I found in this journal someone who had a deep faith. There were lists of things to praise God for, prayer concerns, sermon notes, and quotes that spoke of her convictions. She was a writer so she saved snippets of conversations and made many observations. She tried to be organized by scribbling down grocery lists and daily homeschooling schedules and goals. Her journal entries seemed to be from an intense thirty-four-year-old woman who stood out on the pages in ways that probably would have surprised her.
I wasn’t looking for her on the day I opened that journal, but there she was! Curious, I wanted to learn more.
Of course, that intense thirty-four-year-old was me…thirty-three years ago.
At the time those journal entries were written, we had two darling boys, ages seven and three. I was the homeschool supervisor for sixteen families while homeschooling our own kids. My husband was the co-owner of a vigorous time-consuming business that required most of his energy, patience, and stamina. I had just started some of the healing work from my childhood and we were at the beginning of the emotionally intense work of adopting our daughter. Besides that, I was obsessed with my weight and my constant sidekicks, feelings of overwhelm and inadequacy, seemed to follow me everywhere.
In writing the above paragraph, I realize how much I want to take yesterday’s Deane and hold her close to my heart. I want to tell her how much I love her and with deep compassion I want her to know that I remember her and that this journal is enabling me to listen to her. I wish someone like the present-day-me would have seen into her frustration and stepped in to help navigate the unknown waters of being a wife, a mother of young children, a working woman, a friend, and a believer who didn’t yet have clear boundaries or understand her belovedness.
To be honest, I was still young and immature. I had not yet done any healing work. I knew nothing about being an Enneagram #9 (peacemaker) or the freedom such information would bring. I was determined to have a happy family, even though I had few role models for a good marriage or family dynamics. Trying to change my husband felt like the best way to navigate the anxieties, but he was not one “prone to change” and I straddled my deep love for God, my growing acceptance of myself and my husband, and the realities of my life, a frustrating endeavor at the time.
I had close friends back then. We were all young moms trying to grow in our faith, our marriages, and in our jobs. We kept our struggles hidden from each other mostly. We didn’t talk much about our husbands or sex, or the fight we had the night before. It just wasn’t done. We hid the hard stuff and as a result, we weren’t able to be supportive or able to see that we were all just doing the best we could. Instead, we felt compelled to do the best we should even though honesty would have been encouraging. One prayer group wanted us to pray for our children but was not willing to ask for prayer for themselves. A few years later a friend stepped in and taught a group of us how to be more vulnerable and how to care for each other’s hearts. It was something we just didn’t know how to do. We grew in our love for each other in many ways and that carried us through to some beautiful memories and dear friendships.
If I could take thirty-four-year-old Deane and share my sixty-seven-year-old heart with her, here are a few things we might want to explore together.
Probably one of the hardest things to assimilate into your actions is that you are a human being, not a human doing. Your worth is NOT dependent on how much you get done in a day. Rest is a human need, not a luxury. Please STOP several times a day and just sit, snuggle with the kids, play a game, breathe, and drink another cup of coffee.
Parenting styles are different and can be worked out in counseling. It’s OK to get the help you need when you can’t work it out on your own.
You will learn much in the coming years about how you are designed and why you came to view yourself the way you do. God will send you opportunities that will blow your mind and you will be set free but it will take time.
You are beautiful. Your weight does not define you. What does define you is that you are God’s workmanship (poetry) and he has written beauty into your being. Your belovedness is a deep dark red richness that defies description which is filled with trust, grace, and intention. God is committed to you and will not walk out the door. You will struggle to realize and believe his love for you, but eventually, it will become a defining part of how you see yourself.
I have a surprise for you! You will come to realize how God has woven his grace into your marriage and how deeply you will come to trust, appreciate, and love your husband. There will be other healings in the process, and you will come to wonder how you were so blessed to have him as your life partner. Your friendship will forge security that will prove to be so worth the time it took to take root and blossom.
Oh, there is so much more we could talk through… about kids and strictness vs permissiveness…about doing too much vs knowing limits…about being a friend vs making a friend…about navigating the in-laws…about loss and grieving…about finding your voice and speaking up…about forgiveness and grace. Oh my! Thirty years of life would take a lot of coffee shop dates. But it would be incredibly rewarding.
Now that I unexpectedly ran into this dear thirty-four-year-old, I am committed to sitting and listening by reading through the pages of more of her journals. I long to offer hope that, as she does the work it takes to grow up, (by digging into the truth of her worth, by writing lots of journal entries, by praying tons of prayers, by reading lots of books, by studying her Bible to learn about her Father God, by taking risks, by jumping headfirst into several healing programs, by writing her little heart out, by helping others in their journey toward healing, and finally by sitting with the YES God has graciously woven into her heart) she will find the wonder and joy of being fully alive to the life God has given her.
The secure YES of God’s hand on my back and his promise to never leave define a life worth living.
Have you considered looking back at a time when you were younger? What might you see? Are you a bit afraid to take a peek? What does she/he need to hear from you?
Perhaps this chance meeting with yesterday’s Deane will be an opportunity for further understanding and healing. How about you? What might yesterday’s Kathryn or yesterday’s Dianne or yesterday’s Dale need to hear from today’s grown-up you? If you’re willing to risk it, I am sure you will see new doors of healing and growth open to you.