The Blue Sapphire Year
A rather unspectacular beginning.
The year was 1979. We were on the way home from an Easter visit with my mother in Estherville when we discussed our future. As we drove the 250 miles back to Cedar Rapids we casually agreed that we would like to be married.
When he dropped me off at my apartment, I asked, “Are we engaged?”
He replied, “No, not yet.”
Our kids could hardly believe it when we told them a card arrived in my mailbox the next week, containing a note he had written asking me to marry him!
“A card?”
“No engagement ring?” They shook their heads.
But I didn’t let him get away with asking only in a card. I invited him over that evening for dinner and before we ate, I gently questioned him.
“Now what did you want to ask me in that card?”
The shy IRS guy quietly replied, “Will you marry me, Deane?”
And of course, I said “Yes!”
That was over 45 years ago. Forty-five years and we still love each other dearly.
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Blue Sapphire?
Traditionally the twenty-fifth year of marriage is celebrated as the silver anniversary.
The fiftieth year is called the golden anniversary.
The forty-fifth year is commemorated as the Blue Sapphire anniversary.
Somewhere between silver and gold shines this lovely deep blue stone, celebrating 45 years of busy careers, raising children, celebrating weddings, inviting cherished in-laws, rejoicing over five dear grandchildren, burying our parents, many mission trips, growing in our faith, and finding Jesus to be so important. Now, in our retired years, we find ourselves serving others and giving back to the life we have truly cherished.
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What’s the secret?
An illustration comes to mind.
As we sat in the bleachers at our granddaughter’s basketball game, I heard her mom yell, “Want the ball, Lucy! Want the ball!” I wasn’t familiar with this call, but it makes sense. Show the ball handler that you want the ball! Be determined to be in the right place, hands up, ready and eager to receive the ball. Want the ball!
Being married for 45 years we have experienced many opportunities to “want the ball.”
Heads up, eyes focused, arms out, a willingness to stay in the game and be a player that works to score for the team.
That is how I see our marriage. We’re a team. We work for the team, encourage good plays, and do our best to show sympathy for the foul calls. We never trash-talk our teammates and have placed many good-job high-fives in the form of hugs, pats on the back, understanding huddles, and energizing pep talks. Can you picture us in our blue sapphire jerseys?
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But what makes our time together shine like a blue sapphire?
We’re not too shiny, but there are a few things I could encourage those who desire a lifelong relationship to hold dear.
Let God’s Word be the starting point on which your relationship is built.
At our wedding, we read Colossians 3: 12-17.
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved,
clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.
Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
And over these virtues put on love, which binds them all in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body
you were called to peace. And be thankful.
Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly
as you teach and admonish (encourage) one another with all wisdom
through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit,
singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through him.
We kept going back to this scripture, and it encouraged us to keep stepping toward each other and to the strength God provides.
Many years ago, after some difficult parenting differences, I realized that I had been focusing on this one hard personality variance and overlooked positive qualities in my spouse. During agonizing prayers, I asked God to show me what to do. In time, I felt he led me to this:
Focus on what IS. Pray over what isn’t.
I can’t change anyone but God can pull me to himself when things are not as I want them to be. God has been faithful. His love has helped me face reality and love deeply in the midst of it.
Get to know your spouse’s personality type. When I learned about personality types, like the Enneagram, I found it easier to accept our differences. Knowing that my husband tends to have the traits of a #1 Reformer, I can understand that he is principled, purposeful, self-controlled, and a perfectionist, with a strong inner critic. It’s who he is! He can’t help it!
He realizes that as a #9 Peacemaker, I need a life that is not overwhelming or chaotic. I am easygoing, self-effacing, receptive, reassuring, agreeable, and complacent and we have worked to make our home a safe place. It’s who I am! I can’t help it!
He helps me make decisions. I help him see more than one side of issues.
He has strong opinions. My opinions are not carved in stone, so we work to accept the differences in our points of view.
We both hold a fierce inner critic so verbally encouraging each other is a priority.
He knows that his tone of voice is important when communicating with me. I know he needs me to listen well when he is expressing himself. We try to respect each other in these ways.
Knowing these things in the context of personality types has significantly transformed my thinking.
Understand each other’s way of restoring energy.
He’s quiet and rather shy. I can be more outgoing in social settings but then, as introverts, we both retreat to replenish our souls.
He does this with a newspaper or a sports game on TV.
I prefer a book or pen and a journal.
Be aware of family influences. As we live together I often see his dad’s strong, responsible influence coming through. Other times the tone of his mother’s strong opinions and methodical pace shows itself.
My dad died when I was young but I was told he was very outgoing, warm, with to-die-for blue eyes and an engaging smile. Unfortunately, addictions pursued him and pulled him away from us so I never got to know him very well.
I got his blue eyes, but as I stepped into motherhood, I found I cared for my children more like my dear mother cared for me.
I am happy about that. She loved in a forgiving and gentle way. I want to be like her…and sometimes I am.
Look for ways God designed you for each other.
I find Brian to be stable, reliable, and trustworthy. My heavenly Father knew how desperately I needed him to be that way and I remain thankful.
I am safe, gentle, supportive, and a good listener. God knew Brian needed me to be that way. He has provided for us in ways we didn’t know to ask for.
Keep the beginning in mind.
When asked, Brian shared that what attracted him to me was the strong faith, God had given me.
His family and mine were very different.
He came from a stable, two-parent home with adequate resources. Mine was a broken family with just enough to get by and sometimes needed help.
Our situation led my family to deeply trust Jesus because we were desperate for a Savior who loved and forgave every time, offered hope, and gave us a deep trust that we were not alone.
God’s heart for the widow and orphan shone as our mother came to deeply love and depend on Jesus in all the difficulties she faced. We always loved to hear her pray because her sweet whispered prayers were full of deep gratitude, awe, and humility.
My three siblings and I wanted that kind of faith and what it produced in her. Jesus has been faithful to our mother’s prayers, to her suffering, and to her accepting love. We are incredibly thankful.
Brian saw a deeper faith in me and wanted to trust God like that. Thankfully we have both grown so much closer to God and each other throughout these many years.
Pray. Oh, there is much I could write here, but I will mention one more. We pray. Each morning after breakfast, if I don’t need to run off to a commitment, Brian and I read a devotion together with a few verses from the Bible. When finished, we pray together and he always prays for our kids.
Dear God, Would you help Jonathan have a good day at work?
Would you give Joel the strength to do his work, to parent his kids, and to love his wife?
Would you give Hannah good health, show her your love, and give her a productive day?
I love this part more than breakfast! I respect the man who prays, especially for his children, and quietly loves them this way. No fanfare. No public show. No fancy words.
Simply, God, please take care of our adult children in ways only You can. We trust you.
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At our wedding, my brother offered a quip during his talk that Brian often remembers with a smile. “Deane, Brian is not perfect. But he is perfect for you.”
The older we get, the more we agree that neither of us is perfect but we certainly have been perfect for each other.
Blue Sapphire Gems are beautiful, solid, rare, and valuable. I think of our 45 years of life together in similar terms. Although nothing spectacular, our marriage holds a precious testimony to the power of grace, love, acceptance, kindness, and love.
Starting with the proposal that came in a card, we, two very different people, jumped in the game, kept wanting the ball, stayed with the team, and were determined to be the best we could be.
Perfection was not the goal. Faithfulness to each other and God is what we’re shooting for.
And here we are…still in love and quietly hoping to make it five more years to the golden 50th!