May I Have More, Please?

Do you have days when you feel like you just aren’t enough?

Maybe you think you aren’t rich enough, organized enough, smart enough, thin enough, or pretty enough. Or perhaps you’re worried that you don’t have enough of what it takes to accomplish the work you’ve been asked to do.

And so you pray, God, may I have more, please?

Striving for more seems to be a part of the American Dream!

I should be able to work hard, make more money, get more stuff…and ultimately feel “more” happy.

But I wonder, Is that how it really works?

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Recently, because I was feeling unsettled, I chose to get away for a few days. I reserved a room at the guest house of a monastery an hour from our city.

I chose to go alone, needing unguided and unscheduled time. No speakers. No fellow retreatants. I wanted time with God alone.

After moving into my little room, I started doing the one thing that always helps me figure out how I feel about things.

I started writing in my journal.

I wanted to understand why I felt the need to retreat.

Opening my journal, I prayed, God, please show me what you want me to see.

I started with this prompt, “What I want to know is…” and then kept writing.

We call it free writing when we start putting words on the page not stopping to think about spelling, punctuation, or organization. We just “spill” it all onto the page. I soon realized that the more I wrote, the closer I got to the answers I sought.

After an hour or so of pen-to-paper, wisdom came to me.

I remembered that there is a part of me (I call her deedee) who feels the need for reassurance…like she needs more. (We all have a dee dee inside.) She raises her hand every once in a while and asks, “Am I enough? Do I have what it takes? Is my leadership strong and deep? As a writer, wife, mother, grandmother, and friend, am I doing enough?? The discontent starts quietly but soon I find it grumbling in the back of my mind.

When deedee grumbles, I must pay attention.

This part of me stays quiet most of the time, but sometimes she shows up. When I get criticized, feel left out, make a mistake, or hurt someone’s feelings, unsureness gets called up and this part of me asks, Am I enough?

And I ask God, Could I have more, please?

Don’t misunderstand me! Another part of me (I call her Deane Jane) knows very well that God has supplied her with more than enough good-enoughness in Jesus. Because of His work in her, she is brave, confident, wise, and delighted by what God continues to do in and through her. She loves her meaningful work and feels thankful to be able to do it.

Both parts of me need to be seen, acknowledged, listened to, and kept in perspective.

How about you?

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Remember when Jesus and his disciples, with a large crowd, were leaving Jerico?

The blind man, Bartimaeus, heard that Jesus was passing by. Jesus heard him when he called out and

stopped, asking him, “What do you want me to do for you?”

The blind man answered, “Rabbi, I want to see.” So Jesus, through the man’s faith, healed him.

Imagine Jesus standing before you, asking, “What do you want me to do for you?”

How would you answer?

Might you say, May I have more, please?

What is it that you want more of?

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Once I understood why I felt restless, I asked God for a scripture to help me. Isaiah 53 came to mind. Opening my Bible, I scanned this prophetic chapter describing the Messiah and found that sometime in the past, I had underlined one sentence:

“After he has suffered, he will see the light of life and be satisfied.”

When Jesus’ work on the cross ended, He was satisfied, knowing His work was finished.

As I read this I realized that I too can be satisfied with the work He has done in and through me, the work He continues to do. The enoughness I long for is only found in His work in me…not in my view of my work in the world.

Isn’t God kind to show me this?

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I came home from that retreat feeling refreshed! I had listened to my unsettled self and God met me in scripture and through the writing in my journal.

The next time I feel the need to ask for more, I want to listen to myself, write it out to discover the need, and then rejoice and be satisfied, remembering the sweetness of my Father God and His good work.

I can say, Father, God! Thank you for your incredible goodness to me.

Use my life in the way that seems best to you.

I stand SATISFIED.

I am praying this brief breath prayer these days:

While breathing in, Father, You are so generous.

While breathing out, I pray: Thank you.

Does this resonate with you? I am always delighted to hear your thoughts in the comments.