I Want To Be Like Heather
I spent a lot of years with an unhealthy habit of self-criticism. Seeing a trait that I admired in another person, I would quietly wish it was mine. I would shame myself, of course, thinking I was lacking in value because of it. I found myself whispering things like: I want to be pretty like Eunice. I want to be outgoing and friendly like Beth. I want to have a lovely voice like Onalee. I want to be confident like my roommate Kaitlyn. I want to be deep and mature like Becky. I want to be smart like Lisa. These are not healthy thoughts and they drip thickly with not-enough-ness and comparison, a deadly combination for self-worth.
Have you found yourself thinking like this? Some of these thoughts are just a natural noticing. But when combined with low self-esteem, they open the way for shame, a powerful force that brings trouble wherever it goes.
I really wanted to be someone different because I just didn’t feel confident that I was enough. So needy and unsure, I did all I could to act NOT needy and NOT unsure. In this way, I hid those thoughts from others. Little did I know that it was the hiding that gave my shame all the power it needed to make me stay stuck and unhappy. Dr. Curt Thompson writes, “…exposure is the very thing that shame requires for healing.”
So when I recently heard a chapel talk from a young friend of mine, I was stopped in my tracks. I mean I thought, Where was this talk when I was in college?
Let me explain. I have known Heather since the day her dad was introduced at our church as our new pastor. The whole family went to the front that Sunday so our congregation could welcome them. As they returned to their seats I noticed Heather and her little sister Heidi, full of charming little girl smiles with darling sparkly eyes. In the following years, her mom became a good friend of mine and her dad mentored me in leadership. Heather and our daughter grew to be friends. it stand out
So Heather, (all grown up and married now) was invited to share her story during chapel at the school where she is employed as the Director of Student Engagement. She spoke that day to solidify the truth that God wants to meet, work in, and work through those college students right where they are. He wasn’t wanting to wait until they had changed all their weaknesses and fixed all their flaws.
She went on to tell her story of growing up in our city and going to high school at which time she found that she was growing in her faith. Prayer became a more regular practice for her and God honored her prayers by providing so she could attend the college of her choice. This answer to her prayers made her realize that her concern about college gave her the opportunity to learn more about how God works and about prayer.
Heather said, “This is where God can meet us, in our daily burdens and concerns. I think it is only when we really feel the lack of something that we have an opportunity to actually be given what we need. It may be different than what we expect, but it’s only in times of dependence that we receive things we couldn’t conjure up on our own.” God said yes to this prayer and Heather headed off to college, a bit more sure of this God she was committed to.
So what interested me most about Heather’s story was that at two points in her life (entering college and entering the workforce post-college) she realized that she had the opportunity to be herself and enter fully into the experience, or she could stay afraid and perhaps miss out on God’s best for her! So, in confidence that God would act in her daily life, she chose to start by NAMING HER FEARS.
What was she afraid of? She listed several fears: discomfort, failing, loneliness, not being known by good friends, guys, growing stagnant, public speaking, heights, and missing the life God had for her. That’s a good-sized list but she didn’t let it freeze her with fright!
“As soon as I named my fears, I was able to confront them,” she said, and then she tackled each fear head-on. Instead of shaming herself for her fears, she decided to face them.
I’m so amazed. I mean, like she feared being uncomfortable so she set up to go to the nursing home to visit with strangers. She feared loneliness so she signed up to play intramural football, and joined up with a cycling club (by herself) to meet and make new friends. She was afraid of guys (I mean, who isn’t?) so she started making herself talk to guys and even ask close friends if they had any friends she could date because she wanted to become more comfortable with guys. She was really afraid of heights so she joined some students on several climbing and bouldering trips. What did she do to overcome the fear of public speaking? She started saying yes to opportunities to speak, of course.
Not everything turned out well but she kept walking toward her fears and saying yes to the opportunities God gave her. “You don’t need to wait for your life to begin, and you don’t need to wait to do things that matter to you, and you can face them alone if you need to.” She went on to say, “But sometimes the best things that happen in our lives are not the flashy things. They are slow-growing, simple, and daily things that change us bit by bit.”
I admire that Heather didn’t just sit in her house waiting for life to come to her and wishing she was like others who possessed these confident traits. No, she made up her mind to let God guide her even in the difficult places, even when things didn’t go right.
She discovered that “getting outside of our comfort zone is where the magic happens!” I can’t tell you how much I love this tidbit of big-time TRUTH! She didn’t want to wait for her life to begin. She stepped confidently and firmly into her very own life and God met her, grew her, and matured her into one who searches for and finds God’s grace in the present and very real situations of her daily life.
I have come a long way since the days when I was incredibly full of jealous thoughts of everyone else’s strengths and my wishing to be like them. God has shown me that He created me to be exactly who I am. Psalm 139:1 assures me, “O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.” He created me with qualities that are uniquely my own. I’ve come to understand the powerful effects of shame and the even-greater-power of facing it and exposing it for what it is. There is no hint of shame in His loving gaze. This has enabled me to love the “me” He created and opened me to love others more fully.
I cherish this young woman and in this one beautiful way, I want to be more like her. Heather has learned to face her fears while living her true and real life, close to the heart of God’s best for her. In my opinion, there’s no better way to live than in the midst of that refreshing place of freedom and confidence in God’s empowering companionship.